I recently did a talk on the identity shift that occurs when you become a mom. I was blown away by the positive response and the overwhelming “oh my gosh, I totally felt/feel this” comments. It makes me realize we don’t talk enough about the mental and emotional changes that happen when you have a child. Moms still feel alone and like it’s a taboo topic.

So, I’m sharing my story here (in a somewhat abridged version), so that hopefully someone will read this and think, “I’m not alone.”

We’re here to talk about identity. I thought about the many different ways I could break this down, and ultimately realized that what felt most authentic is just simply sharing my story. And, as this is about me and I love to read and novels, I’m breaking this down into a story in three chapters.

Here we go!

Chapter 1: The Identity Crisis

A little background - I have always been a perfectionist and overachiever. If someone was doing something that someone else thought was impressive, I wanted to do that impressive thing too. In fact, here’s my mom’s favorite story about me as a child…

My elementary school used to have Monday Morning assemblies where the whole school would come together to kick-off the week. Each week a student would be invited to play the piano as the school filed in and out of the assembly room. That student would get brought in front of the school and applauded. So, of course, I signed up to play the piano on a Monday morning. One little glitch… I did not play piano. Did that stop me? Nope. I found a neighbor who knew how to play. She taught me one song – “When the Saints Go Marching In” – and I played that one song on repeat, over and over and over again as 500 students filed into the room. And I got applauded.

Moral of the story – I like to achieve. I am incredibly stubborn. And I do not like to fail. That has always been a huge part of my identity and followed me through college and into my career.

Fast forward a few years… I’m a management consultant at a pretty big company, doing well, and just received a promotion. I had my husband, we bought our first house together, and we got pregnant. In June 2018 I had my son, Caleb. I took a lot of pride that I had him naturally, with no epidural, in three hours flat. Clearly, my identity was still very much wrapped up in this idea of achieving and being impressive.

And then, things got fuzzy. I’m not lying when I say I did not miss work one-single day while I was on maternity leave. I loved being a mom. When I eventually went back to work, I resented my career every day for taking me away from my son. The idea of having this impressive career no longer had any appeal for me, because, in my mind, it was preventing me from being the best mom I could be. So, I quit. Partly I quit so I could start my own business, but mostly I quit so that I could be a stay at home mom, because “Mom” had suddenly become the only part of my identity I cared about.

Fast forward a couple more months, and I’m a stay at home mom. This is exactly what I wanted – or so I thought. But come to find out, I actually get pretty bored playing with my son for 8 hours a day, every day. There’s only so many times I can read Goodnight Moon in a day. And I found myself lacking a lot of confidence. What value was I bringing to my family if I wasn’t bringing home a salary? How boring was I to talk to when all I did was spend my time with an infant? I was trying to build a business at the same time, but “nap time” is just not an effective way to build a business.

I felt like a failure at work and at home. I was not feeling accomplishment or achievement in really anything. And if I wasn’t achieving, what was I?

I found myself in an identity crisis. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore.

Chapter 2: The Discovery

No one prepares you for this identity shift when you become a mom. Everyone tells you what to pack in your hospital bag or the “must have” registry items, but there are no cutesy lists for how to manage the emotional and mental shifts that happen when you become a mom. So, we struggle in silence wondering if we’re the only ones who feel this way, or if we’re bad moms, or incompetent professionals because, my god, my brain just doesn’t seem to work anymore.

So I’m here today to tell you that it is 100% normal and okay to feel like you don’t know who you are anymore or what you want. In fact, there’s a sociological term for this. It’s called “matrescence.” The term was coined in 1973 and encompasses the hormonal, emotional, physical, and mental changes that happen when you have a baby. If you’re thinking it sounds a lot like “adolescence” you’d be right. Researchers equate this transformation in a woman’s life to that of a pre-teen going from child to adult. And it makes a lot of sense. We can probably all think back to our awkward teenage years when you felt like you didn’t know who you were, what you wanted, and lacked any sort of self-confidence.

And, for better or for worse, you got through it.

This is where my story picks back up. I’m lucky enough through my training in psychology and as a coach to understand the value of personal reflection. I came to the realization that the things that used to make me feel fulfilled, valued, and like “me” no longer did the trick. This huge life transition had changed me.

According to the dictionary, “identity” is the “characteristics determining who or what a thing is.”

Our identity is our being. Identity is how we hold on to or understand who we are.

Naturally, when we undergo a major life transition, for example, having a child, the characteristics determining who we are change. If we don’t take the time to acknowledge and recognize those changes we lose touch with our identity - the core being of who we are. And that can be earth-shattering.

In fact, it’s funny how feeling like you don’t know who you are can actually make you feel like you’re nobody at all.

That’s how I was feeling until I took the time to do some deep reflection about who I am NOW. Not who I used to be. Not who I thought I should be. But actually who I am right now.

Wondering how you can do this? Grab a sheet of paper and some markers or crayons. Draw your self-portrait. How you see yourself today. How you enjoy spending your time. Who influences you. Why you wake up every day. Keep going.

This is you.

Chapter 3: The Acceptance (and Empowerment!)

The question is, how do we begin to embrace this new identity and love it for what it is?

From my own experiences and my work with new moms, here are three ways to begin to embrace this wonderful new you:

1)     Have patience with yourself. You just underwent a huge life event. I don’t care if your kid is two or twelve years old now. You might still be recovering. There is no timeline for having everything figured out. Most likely you will never have everything figured out. Show yourself patience and acceptance that you are just as you should be and will continue to evolve.

For me, this meant (and still means) allowing who I am and what I want to change. I can’t see the future or know which direction will be right for me. I can only have patience and trust that I am doing the best I can right now.

2)     Embrace conflict. You are going to feel different parts of yourself pulling at each other. The desire to be a mom. The desire to want alone time. The desire to be with your friends, and sleep, and spend time with your partner all at the same time. These different expressions are all allowed to be true and the more you resist them, the more they will seem in conflict.

I had to accept that I wanted to be a more present mom and have a career. Embracing the “AND” instead of the “OR” allowed me to see new opportunities and let go of ideas that were holding me hostage. For example, right now in my life, success cannot be measured by the number of 0s in my paycheck or people I manage.

3)     Find appreciation for who you are today. Not compared to someone else or who you think you should be. Let me repeat, find appreciation for who you are TODAY. For what you’re learning. For your strengths, as well as your flaws.

Personally, I appreciate that I am a person that cares so much about my son, that I’m willing to feel completely out of my zone, try something new, and take a risk. That takes a lot of courage and is incredibly empowering for me.

So what do I hope you take away from my story? That feeling like you’ve lost part of your identity after becoming a mother is 100% normal. There is nothing wrong with you and it is a normal part of the hormonal, emotional, and physical changes that come with having a baby. I hope you take away that you still have an identity! It just may look a little different now than it used to and that’s okay. It’s not better or worse. It’s just different. I also hope you take away some appreciation for who you are TODAY and trust that person to know what she wants. There are no “shoulds” or “used to bes”. Who you are today is beautiful and just as she should be.

Thank you.

Edited to add: This is the most read blog post on my site, so there’s clearly something universal here. This identity shift is real and can be overwhelming, all-consuming. If you’re preparing for a new baby or experiencing this shift for yourself and would like to chat about how you can navigate this time in your life, let’s chat. I would love to hear from you.