We've all heard the phrase, "You can't pour from an empty cup." But knowing you need self-care and finding the time for self-care are two very different things.

When your days are filled with taking care of your family, taking care of your career, and taking care of house/friends/relatives/pets, when exactly are you supposed to find the time and energy to take care of yourself? And I mean truly take care of yourself by creating a routine of self-care, not just a one-off manicure on the day you had a meeting canceled. I see you.

As someone who likes to bake, I wish the answer were as simple as following a recipe. A teaspoon of rest here, a dash of exercise here… Tell me the secret ingredient!

Sadly, that's just not how life works. However, I find in my work there are two big barriers preventing moms from creating a self-care routine. The first barrier is a mindset that prioritizes mom last. The second is tangible knowledge of how to create lasting habits. Let's dive in…

We make time for what we prioritize.

Where does self-care really fit into your priorities? If you prioritize everything above yourself, it makes sense you have no time or energy left for you. Consider this fun juggling metaphor... All day you are juggling rubber balls and glass balls. Rubber balls are the things you can drop and pick up another day. They bounce back with no harm done. Glass balls are the priorities that if you drop, they shatter. We often consider self-care to be a rubber ball. If I drop it, it'll bounce back up - no harm, no foul. However, there is real harm in consistently prioritizing everyone else over yourself. In reality, self-care should be a glass ball, because that's what's keeping the juggler juggling.

There are true priorities that need to be taken care of. AND, you cannot do it alone. If you feel you're being ruthless in prioritizing and still finding yourself without any time or energy for self-care, it may be time to look at the load you’re carrying. Who else should be sharing the burden of that load? This could be at home (ahem, parenting equity) or at work. What boundaries need to be set? What can you say No to?

One person can only do so much without breaking. Unfortunately, our society places much of that burden on the mother with minimal systemic support. Until we can change that, it's up to us to say "no more!"

Questions to reflect on:

• Where do I fit into my priorities? Get really real here. Do you prioritize yourself above housework? Friends?

• If I feel guilty prioritizing myself, what norm am I violating? Is it a norm I want to agree with or unlearn?

• What would allow me to create more space to prioritize myself?

Ultimately, you have to see yourself as a priority worth making time for before you can create real and lasting habits. Depending on the messages you've internalized over the course of your life, that can mean a lot of deep work, so be kind to yourself and celebrate progress over perfection. This self-compassionate mindset is actually a form of self-care too, so this may be enough of a start to make a big difference in feelings of burnout and stress.

Routine: A sequence of actions regularly followed.

Let’s say you’ve committed to making yourself a priority and you’re ready to create a self-care routine. How do you truly make something routine? Just like waking up and brushing your teeth, routines typically have trigger points that kick off a sequence of actions. They are consciously built until they are habitual, which means they require practice. Building a routine of self-care comes down to intentionality. A self-care routine will not automatically happen without deliberate thought and practice.

If you're looking for a longer read about creating habits, Atomic Habits by James Clear is a great place to start. I especially appreciate his focus on actions and identity.

"Every action you take is a vote for the person you wish to become." James Clear

If you wish to see yourself as a person who takes care of yourself, then you have to take the action to support that identity.

Start small. What self-care actions would you like to build into your routine? Just choose one to start. Let's say a 15-minute walk outside, technology-free, each day.

• What's your consistent trigger point? After lunch? After your last meeting of the day?

• What's the specific action you will take? In this case, a walk around the block.

• What about this contributes to self-care? It will allow you to clear your head.

• What will make it pleasing? We like things that feel good! A gold star? Coffee?

Just focus on that one action until it feels like you are building the habit and it feels natural. There’s no timetable for this. Maybe it only takes a week. Maybe it takes a month or longer. Work up from here until you've consistently built a self-care routine that allows you to feel refreshed and energized enough to keep all those glass balls up in the air - and maybe a few rubber balls too!

This may sound obvious, but self-care is about taking care of yourself so that you can show up the way you want without burning out. Self-care is a choice that only you can make and what it looks like depends on what you need. Don’t get stuck on a “should.” What matters is that you have created something sustainable for yourself.