Why Can’t We Do Less?
Valentine's Day just wrapped up and WOW! My kids came home with the haul to end all Valentine's Day hauls. Stickers, candy, toys, personalized chapstick, and more. Seemingly gone are the days when a store-bought pack of cards sufficed.
And before I get any further, I want to be very clear - I am not judging the parents (most likely mothers) who choose graciously to give to their children's friends and classmates. My boys were thrilled and it made the day feel very special.
But at the same time, I have to wonder - when parental burnout is at a high (66% of working parents report experiencing symptoms of burnout) and support for working families feels like it's at a low - why do we do it? When we're already stretched too thin, why do we keep stretching? Why can't we do less?
A friend recently sent me a text: "I wonder if it would be easier if I were divorced?" Now, this friend meant this as a joke. They do not actually want a divorce, but the sentiment of "I wonder what I could do for myself and my mental health if I only had my children 50% of the time?" was real. The sentiment of "I need more time for myself" was real.
When you're spending the day working, spending the evenings parenting, and doing all the other things (i.e. planning Valentine's Day class treats) when do you have time for yourself?
Because we do need time for ourselves. To be able to show up for everyone else and to keep being able to show up, we need to show up for ourselves too.
And that might mean doing a little less for everyone else to create space for yourself.
Now, what inner thoughts come up for you when you think about doing less? I'll tell you what my inner thoughts are:
Will my kids feel left out?
Am I missing out on making memories?
Am I being lazy?
Those are valid fears. But I have to ask myself - are they realistic fears? And, what could be gained if I did just 10% or heck, even just 5% less?
Try this exercise for yourself. Take a sheet of paper and draw four columns on it. Identify something or an area of your life where you are showing up for others: kids, partner, family, house, friends, work, etc.
In column one, write what showing up 5% or 10% less might look like.
In column two, write down all the inner thoughts or fears that pop up when you think about showing up less.
In column three, write down how realistic those fears are.
In column four, write down what you might gain for yourself by showing up less.
Then choose.
Here's my version of this exercise when I think about the holiday season - the time of year I feel the most stressed to do the most.
The goal here is to find the balance of showing up for ourselves AND others without burning out. The goal is to face the beliefs that make us feel we HAVE to do these things or we’ll be a bad [parent/spouse/friend]. When we can lay out our fears and beliefs driving our actions and make an informed choice, we feel more empowered by our actions versus a victim of our actions.
What can you gain by doing less?