The Most Important Conversation You’re Not Having as a New Parent
When my husband and I became parents we had a lot of conversations. What religion would we raise our son? (We are an interfaith household.) What do we want the delivery and birth plan to look like? Will we do daycare or a nanny? And so many more.
The conversation we didn’t have?
How will we ensure we are parenting equitably? And I’m not just talking about sharing diaper changing duties; I’m talking about showing up equitably to assume all the extra responsibilities and mental load that comes with raising children.
For example, your child is sick and can’t go to daycare. There’s the obvious responsibility of who needs to care for the germ-filled bundle of joy. Your partner and you look at each other - who’s “it”? Who has the lightest day? The most flexible day? The least important? (eek) This, in and of itself, can get tricky to determine.
But then, there are all the less obvious things to think about. Who remembers the correct Tylenol dosage? To know that, you have to know how much Baby weighs. What is daycare’s policy on returning to school? Do you need a doctor’s note? What level of fever is considered too high? I hate to generalize because it’s not true in all circumstances, BUT I’m going to generalize nonetheless. Usually, the holder of all this information is mom. And because mom is the holder of all this information, mom usually ends up staying home with the sick little booger because it’s just easier. And voila, mom becomes the default parent to take care of sick kids.
Or, how about planning family vacations? Who thinks about packing for the kids, stocking the diaper bag with snacks, checking for family-friendly restaurants, and ensuring the hotel has a crib?
Who does the research on feeding? Sleeping? Developmental milestones?
Who knows the correct diaper sizes? Clothing sizes?
I could go on and on.
When you think about having a baby, you tend to think about the obvious things and how we, as parents, take care of those things. But there is so much below the surface that ends up falling on the default parent, again, mostly moms.
This is a huge load! It’s also a huge contributing factor to parental burnout, the build-up of resentment between partners, and moms feeling like they need to take a step back in their careers because it all feels like too much.
The statistics I could reference here from the last 2-years of Pandemic World to support this view would take pages and pages. And, honestly, I don’t even feel like I need to reference statistics because we’ve all seen it firsthand and know it’s true.
It doesn’t have to be this way. It does require open communication and very intentional conversations. Yes, conversations plural, because new situations come up all the time and they will require the ability to be upfront, open, and willing to listen to each other.
Here are a few ways to ensure you and your partner are proactively leaning into equitable parenting:
Share information. Make sure both parents are up to date on baby: current weight, sizes, doctor’s information, childcare information, medicines, likes, dislikes, etc. Store vital information or records in a shared location so both parents know how to access it. This ensures both parents can be available to answer questions or react to baby’s needs.
Be intentional about your defense. Sorry - sports metaphor coming up. Will you play a zone defense where you each pick an area and just know that’s your area? For example, one parent has vacations covered and the other parent has holidays covered. (Trust me, someone has to think about cards for Grandparents’ Day!) Or will you take the approach of reacting to things as they come? “Ok, it’s Junior’s first birthday coming up - I’ll take food and decorations, and you take invitations, the cake, and gift bags.” Make it very clear and then actually let each other take ownership. It’s okay if it’s not done the exact way you would have done it.
Speak up. It is natural that at some point or another, one parent is going to feel like they are carrying more of the load. Speak up and ask for the help you need. Don’t just bear the burden because you will burn out or feel resentment. Yes, it would be lovely if our partners could read our minds and just know they should be doing x, y, and z, but secretly fuming over it doesn’t actually get you the help you need. Being open, having a conversation, and asking for help does. And maybe next time, it will be more obvious to them.
The expectations and habits you build in these early days will lay the groundwork for your parenting moving forward. Set the foundation for equitable parenting early on. Share the load. Ask for help. Be a team in this crazy new adventure of parenthood. You’re going to need each other!