The Power to Re-Write Our Thoughts

"All of the criticisms I feel are coming from me."

This was uttered during a recent conversation on self-compassion. I could feel the self-flagellation as it was said.

"I have no one to blame but myself for being my own harshest critic."

I interjected right there. "But, wait! These thoughts in your head originated from somewhere! You weren't born criticizing yourself for not being perfect."

She paused… Considering for the first time that the critical thoughts in her head were not fully hers to own after all. Instead, they were internalized from the messages she heard around her growing up and continued to hear as she evolved into an adult, a professional, and a mother.

In that instance, self-compassion began to creep in. I love moments like this. It's self-compassion in action.

When we can accept that our critical thoughts are not inherent, it makes it easier to accept we can rewire these critical thoughts with more compassionate thoughts.

Most of the women I've worked with, myself included, are very hard on themselves. In fact, they're harder on themselves than anyone else could possibly be. The reason being, "I have to be or else…I might fail… I won't accomplish anything… I'll get complacent… etc."

Do you recognize any of these thoughts as something you've thought before? If so, then let me walk you through a little exercise.

Where did these thoughts come from? Look back and think about when you can FIRST think about when you started believing these hard-driving thoughts.

Was it elementary school? Earlier? Later? Can you think of where the voice came from? What about this voice helped you get to where you are today?

Now, what's not working about this voice? If I had to guess, it's probably causing you a lot of stress and pressure. Maybe some burnout? Resentment?

Now, think about your best friend. What would your best friend tell you?

What you do notice between these inner critical thoughts and the words of your best friend? If you had to choose one to be your new internal narrative, what would you choose?

Dr. Kristen Neff, the foremost researcher on self-compassion, observes, "When our inner voice continually criticizes and berates us we end up feeling worthless, incompetent and insecure, and we often end up in negative cycles of self sabotage and self harm. However, when our inner voice plays the role of a supportive friend we can – when we notice some personal failing – feel safe and accepted enough to both see ourselves clearly and make the changes needed for us to be healthier and happier."

It's not easy to re-write our inner thoughts. We've spent years crafting the narratives we currently hold, but it is possible. Choose a mantra for yourself that is full of kindness and compassion. When you catch yourself in a self-critical thought, stop, breath, and repeat your mantra. You won't catch yourself every time. In fact, you may catch yourself HOURS after the fact. But with intentional practice, you will slowly get quicker and quicker at noticing the self-critical thoughts and replacing them with the self-compassionate thoughts.

Knowing that you get to choose which narrative serves you best is the most empowering story of all.