Have To, Get To, Choose To
As working mothers, our to-do lists never end. We have to finish that big project at work. We have to make dinner. We have to help with homework. The weight of all these "have to’s" can make us feel stuck, like we’re constantly being pulled in different directions with no say in the matter. It’s exhausting and frustrating. I just want some control over my time!
And you know what? You’re not totally wrong. These are all things that need to get done, and it is exhausting and frustrating at times. But here’s another truth: our words shape our experience, and shifting our language can be a powerful tool for reclaiming our sense of control.
Some suggest replacing have to with get to—as in, I get to attend back-to-back meetings. I get to pay the bills. I get to wake up at 5 AM with a sick child. The idea is that gratitude shifts our mindset because we are privileged to have a job, a child, a home, etc. While gratitude is valuable, this phrase can sometimes feel like toxic positivity. Forcing ourselves to see everything through a lens of gratitude can feel disingenuous.
Instead, I recommend a different shift: I choose to.
When we say I choose to, we acknowledge our agency. I choose to stay late at work because I care about my team. I choose to make dinner because I want my family to eat well. I choose to take care of my kids because they matter to me. The truth is, we don’t actually have to do anything—we just don’t like the consequences of not doing it. Even when our choices are tough or imperfect, recognizing them as choices helps us feel more empowered.
But here’s another hidden benefit: I choose to can also release guilt.
Imagine this: You have work that needs to be done by a deadline, but your kids are begging you to play Legos. Your instinct might be to say, I have to work tonight. Enter guilt, because now you’re working when you feel like you should be spending quality time with your kids. Your choice has been taken out of the equation because you “have to.”
What if, instead, you said, I choose to work tonight because I’ll be able to sleep better, and when I get better sleep, I’m a better parent? It’s an imperfect solution, but it’s an intentional choice—one you own fully, which helps release the guilt.
Try it. Shift from have to to choose to and see how it transforms the way you feel about your responsibilities. You might just find a greater sense of control over your own life.